The Oscar losers don’t go home empty-handed, you know, thanks to the annual Oscar gift bag. (Not sure who this “model” is…?) How about $85,000 worth of gifts (double last year’s) to sooth and calm the wound of an Oscars snub? The bag (which must actually be a steamer trunk) contains everything from gift cards for luxury overseas holidays (Lupita, you need a rest, girl) a $16,000 hair transplant (paging Mr. Travolta) a vaginal rejuvenation procedure (Goldie?) and his ‘n’ hers pepper spray guns (Brad & Angie – for the paps) And with few exceptions, (Dallas Buyer’s Club make-up team!) nearly every recipient, is likely a millionaire already, so they can afford any of this junk they might want – but which of the stars you saw last night would be caught dead with this $279 Jitseu purse? So, overworked assistants of Hollywood, here comes 70 bucks worth of “candles that double as perfume and warm massage oil” and $38.96 worth of “Hydroxycut weight loss gummies, protein bars, and shakes.”
The Mother of All Swag Bags
DrainWig plug that prevents hair clogging the drain – $6.49
Fabric wrap from European company Wrag Wrap – $15
Organic pet shampoo from Simon’s Happy Pet – $15
Condoms: Naked Luxury has ‘patented pleasure fit technology’
Six-pack of Naked Luxury condoms – $20
Three-in-one dry-cleaning bags from Green Garmento – $23
Bluetooth camera shutter remote for Apple products from HISY – $24.99
AVIV 613 Vodka – $30
Herbal tea-based lollipops from Dosha Pops – $35
Hydroxycut weight loss gummies, protein bars, and shakes – $38.96
‘Honey’ made from organic apples from Bee Free Honee – $39
Tea from Blossom Blends – $49.95
‘Loaded: The Story of a Ghost’ graphic novel – $49.95
Sweet tooth: Nominees will receive a selection of homemade treats from Betty Jane Candies
A DVD advertising cash off the services of aspiring film maker Charles Van Loucks – $50
Dinnerware from Slimware – $59
Cannonball Wines – $60
Caramels and sweets from Betty Jane Candies – $69.75
Candles that double as perfume and warm massage oil from Objects with Purpose – $70
Horse shampoo and conditioner made for human hair from Mane ‘N Tail – $95.35
Beauty products from M3K Beauty – $100
Organic makeup products by Diane Capt – $105
Activity tracker from Polar Loop – $109.95
Arm candy: A Jitseu handbag $260
Go Pro hair dryer from Coolway – $120
Two Mace pepper guns – $120
Accessories from CherryT Knit & Co. $158
Hookahzz E-Cigarettes and E-Liquids – $162
Shellfish knife set – $185
Leather iPhone 5 case from Vetvik – $230
Leather purse from Jitseu – $279
Portable camera and app from Narrative Clip – $279
Organic maple syrup from Rouge Maple – $280
Swiss-made Slow Watch – $290
Organic skin, body, and hair products from Acure – $300
Jan Lewis bangle bracelet made from wood shapes – $400
House call with acupuncturist and nutritionist Heather Lounsbury – $500
Lifetime membership to a meditation gym from Headspace.com – $500
Tickets to all-kid pro Cirque troupe, Le Petit Cirque – $575
Max Martin luxury shoes – $750
Tiny dancers: Tickets to see the children’s circus Le Petit Cirque are $575
10 personal training sessions with Huntley Drive Fitness – $850
Supplies from Epic Pet Health – $1,571.98
Five-night stay at the Koloa Landing Resort in Hawaii – $2,000
Home spa system from Steamist – $2560
‘O-Shot’ procedure to help a woman’s sex drive – $2,700
Resort stay at the Imanta’s Ocean Casa suite in Mexico – $3,300
Water filtration system from Krystal Klear Water – $4895
Artworks from Gizara – $5,000
10,000 meal donations from Ellen DeGeneres’ Halo Spot’s Stew pet food to a shelter of the nominee’s choice – $6,100
Two-day Rocky Mountaineer train excursion from Vancouver to Alberta in the Canadian Rockies – $6,850
Trip to Las Vegas including tickets to shows, backstage passes to meet Meatloaf and Boyz II Men and two nights at the Riviera Penthouse Suite – $9,000
Walking tour around Japan from Walk Japan – $15,000
ARTAS Robotic Hair Transplant System treatment – $16,000
(via The Daily Mail) 
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Jake Lloyd
